Maybe it’s the libra in me, but I’m perpetually searching for this sense of balance in life that I’m realizing doesn’t exist. Lately I find myself constantly feeling guilty about not doing enough or being enough in all of the many facets of my life. When I’m doing one thing, something else is suffering. I’ve come to realize that “having it all” doesn’t necessarily mean “doing it all”--at least not all at once.
I remember being stressed in college when it was just me, myself, and I and my biggest problem was having 3 papers due at the same time. At the time, it was a lot to juggle, but now I realize what it means to really be overwhelmed. I didn’t know if I should write this piece, because the last thing I want to do is sound ungrateful. I know I am unbelievably blessed to have my loving husband, my sweet daughters, my generous and G-d-willing, very healthy parents, my flexible job, my involvement with the Jewish community, and this blog that I am so passionate about. I also know I am not the first or last woman to tackle the struggle to find balance.
My family is undoubtedly my #1 priority, but I also know that if I want to succeed in my career, I have to work hard and put in the hours. Right after Rosh Hashanah, I decided this year would be “The Year of YES” and I would say “yes” to whatever opportunities came my way to help further my future in fashion. The problem is, I’ve realized by saying “yes” to one thing, I am saying “no" to so many other things. Yes, I work really hard and I go to lots of incredible fashion events, but I’ve never cooked anything in my kitchen besides mac and cheese and scrambled eggs, my apartment is a complete mess until my housekeeper comes on Friday, last week my nanny put my kids to bed 4 out of 7 nights, when I call my mom for advice I almost always forget to ask about HER day, I completely neglect my amazing (and thank G-d, understanding) girlfriends (sorry my dearest Drew, for being the worst at keeping in touch, to my love Jenna, for always rescheduling our plans, to beautiful Karen for shamefully forgetting your birthday), and my idea of being an attentive wife is, “Baby, what do you want me to order you for dinner?”
These are just a few of the many, many shortcomings I have as a wife, mother, daughter, and friend. And the worst part is, I really want to do better, I just don’t know how to make it all fit. So what am I left with? Lots of half-done jobs, half-thunk thoughts, half-fed children, half-finished conversations, half-written blog posts, half-answered emails, half-watched episodes (sorry I fell asleep during the Game of Thrones finale, Ira) and half-drunk bottles of wine. How many halves make a whole?
As I write this, I am holding my crying baby who needs a nap while responding to texts from my toddler’s camp counselor about her refusal to wear a swimsuit. So I guess this is where I finish…
Photography: Anthony Vazquez